After a significant event with a former sub, I was forced to take a long hard look at my respective Dominance. I questioned who I am and what I am. I doubted myself.
But the advice of a dear friend of mine helped me out of this depression.
I’d always known there was something different about me. I butted heads with my stupid-as-shot superiors, even in the Army. I had a sexual appetite what wasn’t very sexual, rather it was violent, if described to a vanilla person. Knives, choking, shackles, chains, whips and paddles. Everything a good sadist needs.
I didn’t understand this until my friend suggested I look at where I’ve been dominant in my life…that’s when the proverbial flood gates opened and I soon understood the foundation upon which my Dominance is built.
I looked at the things I’ve done in my life, where my passions and strengths lie. What I discovered—remembered—was that I am, literally, a teacher and a coach. I am also a rape survivor (not a sexual assault survivor, a RAPE survivor. Let’s call it what it is.) and a sadist. My fantasies have been violent ones for as long as I can remember. While I enjoy vanilla sex, it was when I dug my nails into a back, was bit on the head, sucked blood out of a wound I’d inflicted, wrapped my hand around the thought of my lover…when I recalled all those moments, that is when I saw ME. My truth. My sadism. My Dominant. To add, I also love aftercare and am great at checking in with my lovers/subs. I’ve been told I’m a natural at it. Another sign that I am a natural Dominant.
In one dynamic, I got lost in other things. (Yes, this will be slightly confessional.) I ended up neglecting my submissive’s needs and desires. I forgot to hear her. I was still emotionally available. We’d chat on line and in voice messages for hours on end each day. But my focus had changed from “family, her then work” to “family, work, then her”.
And that is the WORST thing you can do in any relationship: Forget to hear.
I’ve started realizing my truth, my true Dominant philosophy. I’ve seen and analyzed my strengths and weaknesses and grown leaps and bounds.
A wonderful woman told me that a submissive can’t teach a Dominant how to be a Dom. She is dead-ass wrong.
subs DO teach Dom(me)s. Just as D-types teach s-types. We are in mutually consensual relationships. If an s-type doesn’t communication their needs, wants and wishes, then the relationship grows stagnant. And vice-versa.
At some point in life, it becomes necessary to re-assess yourself, to see if you are truly living genuinely. Once the relationship was over and I’d settled my nerves enough, I took a week-long hard look at my Dominant tendencies. I spoke with MANY of you reading this article too. I was searching for my philosophy. Searching for ME.
A lot… A HELLUVA A LOT! …has happened in the first month of 2019. And as of this writing, only 2 months are gone…
Thanks to Twitter friends I learned more about their dynamics; and those conversations began to inform my thinking.
Further adapting the advice of the woman I know and love dearly, I listed everything about me that is Dominant. As I stated, my strengths have ALWAYS been in teaching and coaching. I literally created a new composition (writing) theory that analyzes student-authored texts (or any personal writing for that matter) to determine what problems the student is facing in real life or identifying some sort of trauma that finds its way into the writing (you’d be surprised by the number of tangents students take in a 4-page essay about why they came to college. It is successful in predicting trauma in students with roughly a 95% accuracy.
THAT is LITERALLY what I do. I look at a person’s writing and at the person themselves and I analyze them. I’m incredibly adept at seeing mood and knowing when something isn’t quite right with someone, just by analyzing their writing over time. It’s easier to do if I am with them to see them, but I can also have them write essays for me. In these essays, I can identify where their heads are with tremendous accuracy. My taxonomy is set up in such a way as to identity disparate sentences and topic shifts (I LITERALLY wrote the book on this topic). Those indicate a point of trauma and then I can address it with the student.
I’ve always had students and submissives journal. It allows for ideas to flow. Even if it’s on sentence thy write, it’s still something. And the brevity of the journal tells me about the mental and emotional state of the person. It doesn’t matter WHAT they write about. It’s about HOW they wrote.
I have been a baseball coach for several years. I know how to adjust my players to get them in better positions, I teach batting and fielding. I guide.
As a teacher at the college-level I was known for being firm but fair with my students. Still today I have former students thanking me for making them actually work and THINK. I had to undergo a mastectomy. The anesthesiologist was a former student. He thanked me for helping alter his view of reality and society, helping him learn that there is a distinct difference between “monstrous acts and being a monster”.
It wasn’t rare for me to cross out 99% of a student’s essay draft and tell them to re-write it. I focused them on the ONE area they NEEDED to explore. I’ve had many students swear at me for doing that.
This was at a community college. One of the students, about 2 years later, saw me on a different campus and yelled at me. I thought, “Oh fuck. Really? Here in public? Fucking A.” It wasn’t another bitching out…it was a THANK YOU, a large smile and a hug.
“I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry for being such a shithead student. I realize now that what you did was the best thing any teacher has ever done for me. While I’m embarrassed my kids heard a few too many F-bombs, and I was pissed when you cut everything down to one sentence, it was the best thing ever. I have gotten STRAIGHT A’s on EVERY essay I’ve written here. They ask me who taught me to write. I say, [DEADNAME]. And the professors in the English Department REALLY don’t like you, by the way.”
I smile. I know they don’t, because I challenged their narrow-minded views of reality and theory.
And THAT is what I do. I show people their truth. I push them to think, to reconsider. I have a give for showing people their true selves, their strengths and weaknesses, their evil and their good.
I place them in their minds in some way I force them to think about their own bias, confirmation biases. We all have them. So, we need to work on them.
I call bullshit out. I always have. I always will. It’s difficult to do this with loved ones, but I can do the firm hand when necessary.
But THAT is what I do. I develop minds. It seems sadistic because it is. My students and those professors all know that I see the world differently and I show them my world. Some are horrified by it because it contradicts their biases. Others acquiesce and follow me into the wild.
When this amazing woman suggested I do this, WHO I am became much clearer….