As I said in PART I, it was this process of rapid self-actualization, not un-similar to how quickly my gender identity was realized, which has led me to the realization that what Dominants do for and with their subs is the exact same thing I do with my players and students.
I hit them. HARD. Not literally…always. I don’t accept excuses. I expect the best from each and every one. I expect me to give my best all of the time too. We are human. We WILL fail, but I don’t accept people who waver and waffle on a regular basis.
So, I examined even more.
I looked to my dreams and my fantasies. And I realized that my fantasies almost always involve mind games and physical sadism. This sadism, I’ve concluded, is due to my rape as a young “boy”. These BDSM fantasies RARELY are sexual either. They are the scenes I created to deal with my rape (I HATE the phrase “assault”; let’s call it what it is: A fucking rape.)
Originally, I saw myself as a lifestyle Dominant. I still am. But my truth is closer to this:
I am a male-bodied, gender nonconforming, transgender person who is a firm but fair guide, who won’t tolerate whining, who expects a sub to not only COMPLETELY and HONESTLY communicate with me (hence develop our dynamic), but also wants a submissive who is more equal. I need a submissive willing to design our dynamic to focus on us both as equals.
I know. That seems counter-intuitive. An s-type that is equal? It’s an oxymoron, you moron. It’s not. A while back I tweeted this: “you are a submissive. you are not a subordinate.”
That sums up our lifestyle perfectly, I think. But the words we use can be confusing. An s-type has consented to being under a D-type. To ME, that makes them equal in all ways.
I had a discussion with a submissive once. She and I disagreed but agreed at the same time on this. “A sub,” she argued, “offers their submission, giving control to their Dominant.” I asserted: “This is true; however, the s-type ALWAYS has the control to stop the relationship at any time, no questions asked.” She countered with: “So does the Dominant.” Me: “Absolutely. This means we are equals.” We argued agreement. We simply took our perspective routes to get to the same place.
I want an even more egalitarian dynamic though. I want a partner who will submit in our regular lives at my whim. I don’t want someone who serves me my dinner then stands behind and to my left. I’ve toyed with that idea, to the point of creating a set of House rules. This was to see if I could be that authoritarian.
I can’t be that D-type. I see myself as strict, not an authoritarian. I like egalitarianism too much. My subs have a voice. Communication is paramount to a successful relationship. And allowing the sub to sit with me while I eat and to request permission to talk and ask questions, allows the sub/slave to have some autonomy, to have a connection to being human.
I CAN be the D-type who helps with dinner, dishes, cleaning (which I find somewhat relaxing). Granted, I AM switch/vers, but that’s only in sessions and scenes. I’m not a submissive in any other way than behind closed doors, being fucked by multiple cocks at once. Trained, ganged, and thoroughly banged. But I got so used to cleaning and cooking and KP duty in the military that I just got used to doing those things.
So, what is my D-type? It’s still being developed. And this is something I think everyone in our lifestyle understands, if they are serious about it: We must always adapt, pivot and ensure both we and our s-type learn and grow together.
It’s not at all easy to do.
So what type of Dominant am I?
- I am a male-bodied, gender nonconforming/transgender Dominant who is a firm but fair guide, who won’t tolerate whining, who expects a sub to not only COMPLETELY and HONESTLY communicate with me (hence develop our dynamic), but also wants a submissive who is more equal.
- I need a submissive willing to design our dynamic to focus on us both as equals in some ways. In our home, I am the Master. Outside of it, we remain in our dynamic, but it is more relaxed…more equitable.
- I am the Dominant who loves aftercare and will ALWAYS check in with my sub as we go, ensuring they know I am there and making sure there will never be a need for the safeword.
- I am a Dominant who is a sadist through and through.
- I am a D-type who can adapt and learn.
- I am a Dominant who created a writing theory that allows me to gaze into the trauma of a person who writes a 1000-word essay for me, offering me insights into their greatest trauma, upon which we will work.
- I am a teacher, a coach, a firm hand when needed, and a soft hand when required. I am emotionally available.
- I prefer to separate real-life from the lifestyle as much as possible. I am the D who wants everyone to see 1) a loving couple, happy and content, and 2) a couple who know how to communicate.
- I am the D-type who requires, in our House, in that bedroom specifically, the control. I want a sub whose hair I can comb. A sub who knows how to yell at me when I really need to be yelled at (yes, a sub who knows how to “top from the bottom”). I need a sub who is my best friend. Because a successful, loving and true relationship is founded upon that type of equality, that type of honesty and communication.
The development of my philosophy will continue. No doubt. And once I am ready to bring on a new submissive, it will change more as she and I negotiate our dynamic. But this is me in a nutshell.
I am Mx. Ruby.