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The Dangers and Signs of Twue Doms and Emotional Abusers in the BDSM Community

By 2019-01-30Uncategorized

To those not practicing our lifestyle, many of the things we do appear to be abuse. The so-called “vanilla” world fails to see the consent in our relationships. But this consent doesn’t mean there isn’t abuse.

There most certainly is, and we need to be more aware of this reality, and to be proactive.

I have seen a few of these relationships in my life, in vanilla life and in the BDSM community. To be clear, I’m not talking about any particular “Dominant” in here. I’m offering a general overview of what we, as a community, need to watch for in order to protect our s-types and ourselves from these predators.

When I contemplate the BDSM ones, I keep coming back to a term a lot of us D-types banter about: “Twue Dom”.

SOME OF THE SIGNS

In a nutshell, a “Twue Dom” is the person who thinks they know the one and ONLY way to practice”

  • They have NO honor, because they disrespect other D-types.
  • They block and ignore other D-types because they know the best way.
  • They never interact with D-types to ask questions and to just be social.
  • They are sarcastic—but they mask that sarcasm in jokes.
  • They lash out at submissives when there’s the least bit of PERCEIVED disrespect, thus showing they have NO respect for their submissive.
  • They then “smooth things over” with their s-type and wait for the next opportunity to fuck up their mind with an irrational outburst instead of addressing the perceived slight immediately.
  • They work to cause distress in the s-types relationships, straining them to the point of breaking. Thus, alienating the s-type.
  • They prey upon s-types who are desperate for attention and to be owned.

In general, these are the types of things we all should look for it a Twue Dom and emotional abuser:

“Abusive episodes are out of control situations. In healthy BDSM, a Dominant never acts spontaneously out of anger. Scenes are pre-planned with care and the best interest of the Submissive in mind.

Abusive situations usually end with negative emotions. A BDSM scene is designed to leave the participants feeling good and satisfied when it’s over. It’s a Dominant’s responsibility to give aftercare when the session is over to make sure the Submissive feels happy, safe, and secure. In contrast, both the target and the abuser feel sad, angry, or ashamed following an abusive episode.”

  • non-consensual/non-negotiated verbal or physical abuse
  • controlling behavior, including excessive jealousy [or having the “one” true way]
  • unpredictable extreme mood swings [usually associated with perceived threats; after which they go silent in order to create the lie of which they want to convince the vulnerable s-type.]
  • use of ultimatums and fear to control the victim [this creates anxiety, stress upon which the Twue Dom preys; it makes it so the s-type is confused and constantly texts or calls to beg for an explanation]
  • isolating the victim from family and friends [this can take several forms.

(via https://www.verywellmind.com/difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse-4065395)

Another sign of an emotionally abuse relationship, BDSM or vanilla, is that the s-type feels as though they are walking on eggshells around the Twue Dom, whose responses will often seem out of left field. The s-type will become an expert at empathy TOWARD him and learn how to see the world from their D-types point of view to avoid further conflicts (without empathy in return). The s-type adjusts to the Twue Dom in order to avoid conflicts.

Kinkabuse.com has a fantastic list of emotional abuse indicators. I list only a few below:

  • Aggressive behavior can be disguised as “helping” or “teaching.”
  • Judgmental “I know best” attitude.
  • Deliberately starts arguments and may be in constant conflict with you or with others
  • May enjoy “drama,” because it creates excitement and brings the focus back onto him/herself.
  • Refuses to listen or communicate (silent treatment) [and/or] withdraws emotionally.
  • Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, perceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own.
  • Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings.
  • Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind. [Increases anxiety significantly.]
  • Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, perceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own.
  • Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings.
  • Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind.

They will be EMOTIONALLY unavailable. A Twue Dom only cares about himself. He gets off on the power he takes from the s-type. He has a ego the size of Jupiter. He can do no wrong.

I’ve been approached by a number of subs who’ve told me about a couple of these Twue Doms.

And the story is always the same: The guy jumped into their DMs, seemed charming and wonderful and hooked them, but then they started getting an uneasy feeling and pulled away from them.

Twue Doms are the BDSM community’s equivalent to an emotional abuser. The similarities are near perfect matches.

 

MORE CLUES AND COMPARISONS

Here’s an example of what a Twue Dom/emotional abuser in the BDSM community might look like:

1) He doesn’t respect boundaries with other D-types. Nearly every real D on Twitter interacts with others in some way! He doesn’t even TRY! Instead, he disrespects them by blocking, ignoring and not getting involved with the community! Instead of seeing the red flags, they convince the submissive of his “superiority” and his “one and only way” of doing the dynamic.

2) The Twue Dom will irrationally “go off” on the s-type and will continue to do so every couple of weeks. This throws the sub into a state of anxiety; they become a train wreck because of it. It’s a tool of abuse.

3) They will drive home an idea of “honor”? Yet will disrespect other D-types. Disrespect is NOT HONORABLE. This is ego.

4) The Twue Dom will tell the vulnerable sub anything they want. They’ll include JUST enough fact to be believable so the submissive won’t vet him thoroughly, like asking to chat with a couple other s-type he trained.

5) Twue Doms will bring on a new desperate submissive when they see they are losing control of their current one. In many cases, they will call the outgoing submissive names, convince the new one the old one is “nuts” and convince them to band together to kick out the old sub who is “making trouble” when the old one begins to catch on or they’ve grown tired of them.

6) The Twue Dom is a master at division. The emotionally abused sub will defend her D-type with everything she has, mimicking her D-types abusiveness by downplaying the dynamic’s more abusive aspects. The s-type will ignore repeated concerns voiced by loved ones.

7) The Twue Dom will make excuses as to why they can’t contact the sub, even when they’ve promised to call—off to a secret job in the mountains of Tibet where there’s no cell service; been working all day and am exhausted; I had guests over, ones I invited [Translation: You don’t matter to me at all. I’ll do whatever the hell I want to and you’ll deal with it. I don’t respect you or our “dynamic”.]

On the surface, it will all seem innocuous. It’s not. I know, because my mother is the EXACT same way. That’s why I haven’t spoken to her in 15 years.

Twue Doms have a gift for identifying a submissive who is/was struggling with their Dominant and with their submission. They are bloodhounds, sniffing out the most vulnerable minds.

Once they have hooked the sub and promised them the world, they learn from each misstep, each blow up over perceived threats and perceived disrespect (again, NOT honorable when they ignore an s-type’s current D-type). He adjusts his tactics to dig into the s-type. And the vulnerable s-type falls for it time and again. They’ll just keep doing it too. It’s subtle. Almost imperceptible.

The Twue Dom knows the s-type will keep running back to him. He gives the sub some rope, Yanks it back, then smooths things over, then reboots his abuse, adjusting to the last situation in order to keep the s-type off-balance. NO D-type with any level of respect, honor or dignity would ignore their sub for hours then make everything “It’s all fine. We’re okay.” It’s a fucking tactic of abusers…. NOT REAL DOMS.

The Twue Dom is the quintessential emotional abuser. If they are on social media, their feeds will contain several jokes which are veiled attempts to conceal sarcasm. They might have other stuff on the feed, most likely football or some “manly” sport. But they’ll have a great deal of sexual stuff, no interaction with anyone other than women about sex…not D-type stuff. They’ll simply RT or make comments about the person…again, attempts to be funny in order to conceal their sarcasm, disrespect and their true motives.

The Twue Dome is a pathetic little boy trying to pretend he’s an honorable man. He’s nothing more than an asshole, an emotional abuser masquerading as a D-type with it “all figured out” and “the only way” to do things. It’s clear to others that NO other D-type has anything to contribute to his D-ness, because every other D-type is a loser in his eyes and has it all wrong.

The irony is most other D-types and s-types can see right through it all. On Twitter we’ve even had long threads laughing at morons like this. But it is serious too.

I’ve had several s-types in my DMs telling me about various D-types who SEEM great at the start; they are charming, attentive, wonderful. But after a month or two, they begin to see that the D-type is manipulating them NOT teaching them, not guiding them, but manipulating them. And they leave or the Twue Dom dumps them because they see they are losing their grip and control.

s-types are being emotionally abused by those who believe they have the one TWUE way of doing thing and fuck everyone else’s opinions.

A FINE LINE

There is a fine line between a Safe, Sane and Consensual relationship and emotional abuse. The easiest ways to tell you’re in one of these relationships is to:

  • Listen to loved ones.
  • Look for repeated behavior that’s an overreaction followed by a “making up period”.
  • Pay attention to how they interact with other D-types. If they shut out ALL others, criticize them, block them or otherwise refuse to acknowledge another D-type, they are an abuser.

Alas, they are able to do the damage they want, then they discard the shells of the beautiful and intelligent s-types they prey upon, so we end up taking on the mantle of trying to rebuild these beautiful creatures.

The two main things we all need to look for:

  • If the sub says the Dominant is “Emotionally unavailable” (an indication he does not actually give a shit about the submissive; it’s only a game to him.)
  • If the Dominant interacts with other D-types or is silent, disrespectful and distant.

That’s really it, isn’t it? A Twue Dom, an emotionally abusive “Dominant”, is emotionally unavailable, emotionally distant and focuses ONLY on themselves.

 

Be warned. Be informed. And be on the look out for these dangerous “Doms”.

Miss Ruby

Miss Ruby

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