I’ve heard from a surprising number of subs about one topic: Aftercare. I like to consider myself a fair and reasonable Domme. I recognize submissives are humans too. And when things get intense—whether it’s in a live session or online—it’s our duty to remember the session/scene isn’t done.
Just because a scene/session is over, doesn’t mean it’s really over. I’m shocked by how many people who call themselves Dominants neglect the most crucial aspect of our lifestyle.
Aftercare is the number one concern submissives have about a scene. My DMs are open to all. I’m happy to talk and give advice where I can, and to simply shoot the shit. And I’ve had plenty DM me to chat. Talking to subs is a great way to informally vet them too. As a result of my open, approachable nature, I’m told things by subs.
It’s horrible when I hear so many “Dominants”—and I use the quotations as a disparagement to those who don’t take care of their subs, whether it be for one scene or 24/7—simply ignored quality aftercare, or are what we’d consider a “Twue Dom.”
What I don’t understand is how one calls themselves a Dominant and treats someone in that way…without their consent, as do Twue Doms.
Our existence in BDSM, in D/s & M/s, is predicated on the very basic of all principals for all relationships: Consent. Part of that consent is performing Aftercare, to ensure the mental and emotional and physical health of the s-type.
Without consent, our relationships fall, falter and fail. The respect is gone.
I’ve heard tales of many “Dominants” failing their submissives. Instead of being “Dominant” they are “domineering”. There is a significant difference.
What’s the difference? Well, someone who is “domineering” asserts their will over another in an arrogant way and exercises arbitrary and overbearing control over others (aka a “Twue Dom”). A Dominant, on the other hand, is someone who takes control of a relationship in order to nurture, guide, to mentor and help the other (and, by extension, them) to growth, expand, learn and be free of their inhibitions, fears and negative thoughts and actions holding them back.
I understand some submissives don’t want aftercare. I touch on that briefly in my Aftercare piece and the vetting article and booklet on CollaredGirls.com, in fact. But most submissives require that aftercare in some meaningful manner.
Anyone who calls themselves a “Dominant” and has that abrasive, un-nurturing, mean, domineering streak in them, is not a Dominant, but a domineering person who shouldn’t be doing sessions/scenes or owning a submissive.
submissives have placed their trust in us. They’ve placed, literally, their lives in our hands. If we make one false move we can injure them permanently. The worse injury is the psychological/mental injury.
These don’t heal quickly. And failing to do aftercare in a meaningful manner means you’ve created damaged goods, thereby hurting all Dominants. We lose wonderfully loving and caring pets because some so-called “dominant” does something just so they can get off.
Think of it in these terms:
There are D-tpes who know how to and D-types who don’t.
There are people who don’t put away the art supplies and those who do.
Some D-types just suck at finishing their art.
It’s these Dominants you need to weed out in order to have the healthy relationship you crave and need.
But waxing, paddling, binding, caging, flogging, and all the other actions we take are to be for us, mutually. My gratification is Pet’s gratification. She thanks me for caring for her and helping her fulfill her needs in all ways, not just sexually, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically as well.
So, to all the submissives who’ve had a horrible experience and not received the care they’ve needed and earned, don’t let them discourage you from being yourself. Get to know your potential Dominant. You have every right to interview them as they do you. If they get annoyed with the interview, then you don’t want them. Some Dominants won’t take you on, but will still welcome you into their lives in some manner. What you need to do, regardless, is vet your Dominant as much as they SHOULD be vetting you. Once you’ve found your match thorugh vetting and interviewing, don’t forget the Consensual Agreements. You should NEVER enter any BDSM relationship without one. If someone doesn’t sign one, it’s a red flag that they are not for you.
Find the right fit. Your Dominant is out there.