Doing the Footwork: The Importance of Research BEFORE Contacting a BDSM Dominant

I understand the following might come off as salty and negative, but it’s not intended as anything more than a quick guide for submissives and those entering the BDSM community for the first time. Take it as a primer, a lesson on developing the best practices for connecting with a Dominant with whom you’re interested in working. You’ll learn that politeness and self-awareness are two of the things we find most appealing in a client. The first lesson: Research before contacting a Dominant.

If you’ve read my work or interacted with me on Twitter (@collargirls), you know I’m a “male”-bodied Gender Nonconforming Domme who used to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship and who currently has a service sub who’s not being used to their potential yet. You also know from a previous post that I am VERY selective in who I will accept, and that I prefer working with transgender submissives and cis-females. Regardless of our level of expertise and specialties, I think it’s safe to say that everyDominant has been approached by subs who clearly need some guidance in basic protocols for approaching and acquiring a Dominant. The most frequent complain I’ve heard about from other Dominants (and that I’ve also experienced) is the applicant who spills their life story. We don’t need to hear your life story…until we accept your offer of submission.

Doing this is a time suck. We want to know, right up front, what you want from us, why you think we’re a good fit and your goals. Don’t get me wrong, Dominants care about you, we just don’t care right away. Submissives new to the community don’t understand that the care and trust is earned; it’s not immediate. I think it’s safe to say that 99.99% of us just don’t want to hear it, certainly when you’re trying to convince one of us to bring you into our life and train you.

I think we’ve all been there in some way. Submissives, or more accurately people believing themselves to be, contact us without a clue as to what we do or how we operate.

Each Dominant has our own way of doing things, bet we all stick to one code of behavior for initial contact. We all have a similar set of criteria for vetting potential subs.

One of the most prevalent challenges Dominants face is being approached by submissives who fail to do their research. Most of us have a special skill set and we may not be the best fit for you. I do sensory deprivation and behavioral modification; I am a sadist and a rigger who doesn’t use rope. My style doesn’t fit everyone; it is growing and integrating more and more, but my style and philosophy aren’t for all. Some will want a more sensual experience, some a MUCH stronger, heavier hand. I also prefer to work with transgender and cis-female submissives. In other words, knowing what a Dominant does and specializes in, and with whom they prefer to work, is crucial to winning over a Dominant.

 

RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH

As a general rule, potential clients don’t do their research. I can’t emphasize the importance of performing adequate research, the importance of due diligence and vetting PRIOR to contact is imperative. All too often our clients fail to understand that a job isn’t a quick. New submissive clientele absolutely must learn to asses realistically what they want and need from a quality Dominant. This demands some time and thought. It’s important to approach a Dominant with a reasonably well-developed concept of your desires as a sub! This will ensure a productive vetting process for both the submissive *and* the Dom and won’t have anyone feeling silly.

I’ve seen several D-types tweet excerpts from DMs and session applications saying they’re into “everything”. Nobody is into EVERYTHING. Trust me. You say everything, and I say, “Okay. Cattle prod to your balls (or vagina).” you’re gonna flinch and most would back out. It’s imperative, then, to figure out what you are, who you are, to find your personal truth within the community.

There are many resources online where a sub can compare their desires with those of others. So it shouldn’t be overly difficult to arrive at the “the table” with a good understanding of desires and needs.

This mentality crosses over to our BDSM D/s lifestyle too. Submissives tend to not really understand our roles. Often there’s a failure to understand what they want or need from us. They assume we will know what they want and need. To be clear,  But it’s really common-sense, isn’t it?

Good clients should strongly and carefully consider ALL of the following:

  • Reads info on my site/ad/posting
  • Follows directions as indicated on the site or in the ad or posting
  • Replies quickly to any questions I have
  • Has no issue with tribute (there will be a separate post about this at another time)
  • Are prompt with their communications and any live sessions (online or in-person)
  • Respect rules & boundaries, protocol, and my position (addressing the Dominant in the proper manner is one of the biggies here)
  • Follows through on tributes. They must present these in advance.
  • They have all their STD tests up-to-date (within 1 month of our meeting) and available upon request.
  • Know what they want to do and try. They don’t answer “anything” or “everything” or give some other vague, ambiguous comment. We need to know your kink and if it fits us.

I’ll discuss tributes in another post, but quickly, tributes are those things you give to your Dominant as a form of thanks. For me, tributes that are gifts are required prior to any engagement. Most Dominants have a similar policy. Our belief is simple: “My time is valuable; if you’re not serious, then don’t waste my time.”

These are the basics of what good clients should do. The simplest way some Dominants get rid of a client is to tell them to “fuck off”, but some clients might need to be taught such things. We can’t just summarily dismiss every applicant. I think that does a disservice to those who want to explore their needs more. We’re here to help; thus, sometimes we need to poke and prod for answers.

 

KNOW YOUR NEEDS

Some submissives are new and don’t understand the protocol. The initial contacts will be awkward and feel like time sucks. So my advice to submissives who are struggling to find a Dominant for them is to follow the above list of basics. The key is to know what you want and expect. You don’t have to know all the lingo. You don’t need to know what edging is, or what a rope bunny is or even know your pain threshold. A quality Dominant will also be able to help tease out some of the things you are having difficulty articulating. You simply have to be able to communicate with us intelligently and clearly. Give a prospective Dominant some sense of “you.” Whether you seek a Lifestyle Dominant and/or a Professional Dominant, BDSM is about communication and trust. By not knowing what you want, you tell us you haven’t thought about it much at all. Going into this lifestyle isn’t something you just do. It’s not a game. It’s reality for all of us. NOBODY wants “everything” or “anything” in our lifestyle. We ALL have hard and soft limits. Some of us simply won’t brand a pet. Others will. Some are masters at rope and have little to no interest in sadism. Others, like me, are riggers with a sadistic side. As a result, it’s imperative you know your limits, at least in a general sense.

For my fellow Dominants: As Dominants, we can’t dismiss every potential client, so try digging a bit deeper. Have some patience with the wanna-be submissive. If they can’t show you how they will obey/follow the above criteria after a few additional questions, THEN you set them free to annoy another Dominant.

Miss Ruby

Miss Ruby

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