The Importance of Vetting and Interviewing a Potential BDSM submissive

A few weeks back I created a submissive vetting and interviewing booklet for those of us in the BDSM community, specifically as a general guide for Dominants—established and new. The booklet is intended as a guide and as a series of suggestions on how to ensure you and your potential sub and/or slave are compatible. I’ve added in information that is a critical first step to training your sub/slave.

Many think being a Dominant is easy, that it’s easy to guide and teach and punish someone who has consented to you taking over some or all of their life. Too many “vanilla” people think we just tell people what to do and derive pleasure from it. As we all know, that’s very far from the truth actually. It’s a whole process … usually a long one. We all vet/interview our submissives. We need to make sure they know what they want and need and we need to know we’re a good fit. This is true for one session scenes and fr 24/7 relationships and everything in between. We do a LOT of research too. The social media of a potential submissive is a great starting point for us. What a submissive says on their social media tells us a lot about them. I have a story about my most recent experience with a potential lifestyle sub below.

In the booklet, I started with vetting and interviewing a potential submissive and then moved on to the crucial first steps beyond your Consensual Agreement (See CA Booklet for more on CAs). So the process can be quite involved, traveling from thoroughly vetting a submissive to creating and signing your initial CA, then move to creating a ritual for her or him into the relationship itself.

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF VETTING

Submissives are a truly marvelous paradox. This paradox created unique issues for our BDSM and day-to-day lives. As a result, it’s imperative we find just the right fit to minimize any problems later on. To that end, interviewing, thoroughly vetting a potential sub is vital. The sub/slave interview process is not something any Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress should ever NOT do. Here’s a true story:

Shortly after creating CollaredGirls.com, I was approached by a potential sub. She claimed to have been in the lifestyle for years. After about 3-4 DMs, I felt something was off about her. I discussed the situation with my s-type at the time. She had a similar feeling. So I threw out a few preliminary questions for the potential Beta sub. My first question is one you’ll find below: “What does being a submissive mean to you in your day-to-day life?” The answer I got was. a simple, succinct statement: “It means I do whatever you say.” There is an inherent challenge in an answer like this. Being a submissive is about sharing power, not giving it up. Anyone who does not understand this dynamic is setting themselves up for an unsustainable relationship.

Additional questions were answered in a similar fashion; she sees submissive kink as a giving up of power. For me, it should be about sharing it. A submissive should bring their beautiful power to the table, not leave it and their strength behind. Yes, a sub should be ready for commitment; that is what they need, crave and want. A sub should also exhibit an aptitude for self-reflection and emotional intelligence. A sub should not be a burden despite needing significant attention, guidance and control in order to guide them and help them fulfill their lives.

As part of the initial vetting process as them for links to all of their social media accounts, and scroll through them. I did this with the above prospective and discovered a great deal of complaining, anger and diatribes that ran for 6, 7 and even 10 “replies.”

The negative comments traveled outside the parameters of a potentially good submissive; they equated to a red flag that went well beyond the standard “brat” behaviour—a submissive who acts up or causes trouble (a.k.a. “acts bratty”) to attract attention to themselves. Seeing all the negativity was what I needed to see, and I wished her the best of luck then I moved on.

In other words, I took a great deal of time and thoroughly vetted her. While she would have been solely an internet/online sub, the fact she complained so much and about how life was/is unfair and against politics and saying she was going to run for President of the United States, and a plethora of other topics was an indication she wasn’t going to take this serious as she indicated. It would be difficult for her to merely complete tasks and service and to have rational discussion about why or how she might actually complete her role.

None of us, particularly those of us who are Dominants, have time for someone who isn’t fully committed. I’d hate to be the one who even had her in one private session. I can almost hear the safe word being used after the first paddling or a complaint they can’t move in the restraints or the anal plug is hurting them despite saying none of those things are soft or hard limits for her. Or, worse, no safeword and the later attempt at character assassination because she felt the Dominant “went too far” despite the Dominant checking in. I imagine she’s the type who’d keep telling her Domme that she’s fine and to keep going, but turn on them, blaming them for the pain or whatever.

 

To reiterate: ALWAYS thoroughly vet your potential sub.

Miss Ruby

Miss Ruby

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