The Making of a BDSM Dominant: The Long and Winding Road to Self-Acceptance, Part II

This is Part 2 of The Making of a BDSM Dominant: The Long and Winding Road to Self-Acceptance.

I’ve always known about “differences” in myself. My sexuality was the most evident. I enjoyed the models in Victoria Secret catalogs, Cosmo, and other female-centric publications, but I also had something happen when I saw a ripped guy or someone in the middle, someone androgynous (the term used when I was growing up), those like Prince and Ziggy Stardust/David Bowie. THOSE in the middle were the ones with which I connected the most. I didn’t care so much about the music of Bowie and Prince—I love it, but it wasn’t the reason I listened. I listened because I got to see a picture of them. And I dreamt of a day when I could be there too.

Seeking My Truth

I’d come under fire my entire “cis-male” life. The fact I couldn’t tell my family about my sexuality at least was horribly traumatizing; the idea that people looked at me with the assumption that I was/am cis-male heterosexual and therefore a monster, an oppressor, a person with absolute privilege, was belittling. That I allowed it to happen for so long was worse. I placed myself into a cage, a metaphorical cage…Titanium Black Finish Eternity Collar

Yet I knew that the only one who belonged in a cage was my submissive. The hints of my Dominant desires, my need to bring painful pleasure to others was there the whole time. I felt no anger; I felt only the need, the drive, the desire to bring pain to others who want and need it.

I was often belittled whenever I displayed “girly” behavior. I had to get “unisex” clothes whenever I could so I wouldn’t be called a ” sissy faggot” and emasculated. Again, I’m Bi+, not gay. But back then the derogatory terms we had included males being were called fags and women called dykes; there was nothing in-between…basically, not much has changed in way of the derogatory language. So as a Bi+ individual, I would have suffered the “faggot”.  Transgender was a term rarely heard. Nonbinary (Enby) and gender non-conforming hadn’t even been conceived of yet.

I struggled for years. My partners, all female, were vanilla. I would broach the topic of kink and they’d politely tell me “NO WAY!”

As I said, all the clues for my predominant Dominant side were there. But I still had a chip on my shoulder. I was angry at society for portraying me as something and someone I most assuredly am NOT. I had to pretend to be a white heterosexual cis-male because culture said that’s what I am.

Through Adversity Came Epiphany

After a VERY rough year of downs and more downs, of being wrongfully accused of harassing a former student despite me having proof beyond proof beyond even more proof that she’d been stalking me—where was the so-called ‘white privilege’ then?—and sinking into the depths, I sued the school and won my case. The student was banned from the school after graduating, and I was allowed to do damned near anything I pleased on campus. I had buried her. And I felt vindicated. I’d had students do that in the past too. I didn’t realize there was an obsessive magnetism I had…and that’s a power a natural Dominant has. People, women specifically, wanted to be near me. I had something lacking in cishet males. I had maybe two true male friends. All the rest were female. I was the only male-bodied person invited to “girls night out.” But I never displayed as female. Yet these ladies instinctively knew I was female in the wrong body. They encouraged me to explore that, but subtly…by taking me to gay bars to “just let go” (read: to flirt with boys like me).

At one point, a few friends took me to a gay bar to find someone for me. They disguised it as a trip to just have “fun”…it wasn’t very well disguised and it wasn’t particularly fun either.  Only one person knew about my sexuality with absolute certainty at that time. I ended up with a female co-worker, not a guy. But down there, I saw the most beautiful woman I’d seen…but she was a transwoman. She was the first transwoman I’d run across though. But I was too shy to say anything….plus it was while we were walking out and she was screaming at her date that he was an asshole, and all he wanted was sex, that he wasn’t a real man who could show emotions and bond…or something along those lines. All I know is there was a strange connection with her, something I had briefly felt when I looked at Prince and Ziggy.

After months of research into why I kept feeling like a female most of the time, but being pretty okay with my male body and why sometimes I was fine being a “guy”, something clicked. And I finally said fuck it and came out, initially as bigender, but I was to find someone who’d help me understand that I am genderqueer/genderfluid…

Meeting Strawberry

About that time, I met Strawberry. We built a deep friendship first. We clicked immediately. We had some downs, but WAY more ups. We shared our deepest secrets. We chatted for hours each day. We filled voids in one another’s life.

We came up with my preferred name, Ruby, and after months of talking and voicing we landed on what should have been obvious—non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, Bi+, Dominant. And she was submissive.

The rest, as it’s said, is history. Strawberry and I met in person and nothing changed between us…well, SOMETHING did obviously. We entered our 24/7 D/s relationship and then made it official January 2, 2018 with a collaring ceremony by establishing the groud rules, including Strawberry’s routines and our Agreement rules.

The road to self-realization was decades long. The realization I am a sadist, a metal and wood freak/rigger, and my desire to cage, cane, flog, paddle and otherwise pleasure a masochist was always there….it just took for society to change enough for me to feel comfortable in my natural state of being. I fell in naturally to guiding Strawberry, to creating a routine for her, to creating the Agreement, and to continuously working with her on her needs to be better and to make me happy.

To be sure, I am an enigma. I am stuck between the bifurcated concepts of male/female and straight/gay binaries imposed upon us my nearly every culture on the planet. I vacillate between the two ends, but am really neither.

I see this now, I understand most of what it’s like to be transgender, I fully understand maleness, and because I was welcomed so often into the company of “girls night out” events, I understand a great deal of femininity. I love female clothing. I love my polish and other “girly” things.

Becoming content in who and what I am released me from the stereotypical domineering persona I was driven by society to have, all of it based on the appearance of white heterosexual cis-maleness.

I owe Strawberry a profound debt of gratitude for her support.

It’s that mutual respect, mutual learning (I’ve gotten her impetuousness under control…mostly; gotten her to stop scratching and picking herself and much more), and love that’s most important to any relationship, but most important to a 24/7 D/s relationship.

It was a very long journey…but I realized when I took on Strawberry that I’ve always been a Dominant…society just told me otherwise.

Miss Ruby

Miss Ruby

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