The Making of a BDSM Dominant: The Long and Winding Road to Self-Acceptance, Part I

I’d fantasized about BDSM for as long as I can remember. But I never thought it would become a reality, to live a lifestyle to which I felt such an intimate, innate, profound connection. I felt relegated to the vanilla way of life. I became submissive culturally. Yes. I am a white, male-bodied person. But we all know—or we all SHOULD know—that what your body is doesn’t reflect what your mind is telling you.

So I was forced into a submissive lifestyle by my parents and culture. I heard all about ‘white privilege’, but never saw it. I was beaten out of jobs by less Titanium Black Finish Eternity Collarqualified minorities. Even when I became a minority—a disabled veteran—I was being beaten out. I can’t recall a single time when I was privileged. But I also can’t be 100% certain I wasn’t. All I knew what I enjoyed “women’s” clothing. I enjoyed studying BDSM porn, not necessary masturbating to it. I saw it more as a fascination. I wanted so much to be a part of it. I wanted the release I knew it offered, the power, the sense of excitement bringing a person to climax then denying them…over and over and over again. I yearned for the ability to see the joy in another’s face as I did this to them.

But due to cultural norms of cis-male hetero-normative whiteness, I fell into the trap so many do: I became domineering, not Dominant. It wasn’t for many, many years, after coming out as genderqueer/gender fluid and Bi+ that it all clicked. Quite literallly…and honestly all because of Kitten (a.k.a., Strawberry). We have taken this journey of self-discovery together. I learned how the cultural norms that enslaved me were meant to be broken.

So, I broke them. I’d allowed myself to be yoked to an ideology and cultural/society norm that simply did not fit me. I had wasted years of my life in the closet.

And then I met Strawberry. And things just clicked and clicked and clicked. We worked on establishing ground rules, our Consensual Agreement, and figuring our where our 24/7 BDSM D/s relationship may be limited in terms of “vanilla life” requirements.

As I got older, I gravitated to BDSM more and more. My Bi+ sexuality made it so I was intrigued by switching. But Strawberry saw something else; she saw a true Dominant, almost a complete Top. To be honest, the only switch I’d do now is for experience, to feel what my sweet sub(s) feel.

But I digress a bit.

LEARNING MY TRADE THE ONLY WAY I KNEW HOW

As the years went by, I gained a stronger, more vibrant perspective. I began to research the BDSM lifestyle more and more. I continued to gravitate to it. The porn versions I watched as research enthralled me. How could any person actually enjoy the pain? I became enamored with stocks, and flogging, and metal….well, wood and metal. I learned I’m not a big fan of leather, but it is pretty cool, just not my “thing”.

Much of my knowledge of BDSM came before the internet was around. I learned what I could how I could. And I had to fight my culture telling me that those in the BDSM lifestyle were perverts who fuck kids and are just sick and twisted.

Deep down, I knew this was false. There was something powerful about the exchange. Something that was liberating, freeing. And flat out beautiful. The rope art I saw helped me appreciate the human form more than ever. Hearing the gleeful whimpering of the subs drove my desire. I wanted to be the one who brought that submissive to their perfect place, their Nirvana, and to bring them down safely. There’s a psychology about BDSM, and Doms have to know human nature and tendencies implicitly. This was attractive to me.

The representations of BDSM in movies I somehow inherently understood were incorrect too. There was no way it was just whips and chains…despite how they excite me. 

I knew too there was a tendency toward being taken as a man or woman, but the metal and wood rigging, the paddling, the caning and other tools required for Sadism absolutely fascinated me.

To be continued…next week…

Miss Ruby

Miss Ruby

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